Sarcastic Wit Appreciator Pillows

Dear Uncle Drosselmeyer, thanks for the cool nutcracker...

"It must be tobacco plant, dad was a heavy smoker."

"Nice crowd, but where the f*ck is Phil?"

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'I don't have any specific complaints -- could I just stand here and moan a little?'

"I agree, Maria, it does seem like one big romantic TV Christmas movie. But, unfortunately, this is where I must kill you."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Nice haircut."

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I'm taking vacation next week. And wouldn't you know it, the wife wants to go on a cruise.'

A recent study found that scarecrows now actually attract birds. Experts blame it on millions of littering slobs.

"Since I've gone over to roll-ups I find I can get by on just one cigarette a day!"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'It's a soothing sounds machine. Spring Rain, Summer Breeze, and Fall School Bus.'

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And when I snap my fingers you'll be happy with what I pay you.'

'I love what you've not done with the place.'

"Come on, Dillman, you'll never know if I'll say 'yes' or 'no' if you don't ask!"

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

Joe's Truckstop Diner: Eat In - Take Out - Poop somewhere else.