Sarcastic Wit Lover Pillows

Any other skills besides getting Super Mario to level four?

'My integrity is important to me so I can sell it to the highest bidder.'

"And from hereon, do you agree to make you own packed lunch in the morning..."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

Men working (part time).

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

Know-it-alls

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

"Do you want me to empty the ashtray over your head now?"

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."