Sarcastic Wit Enthusiast Pillows

'I'm looking for an assistant that's not afraid of a little degradation.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'He lost his whistle,'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'