Sarcastic Wit Admirer Pillows

"What gives a miserable piece of lowlife trash the idea that no one likes him?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

Women's Idea of Sharing/Men's Idea of Sharing.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'Alas, poor Yorick. He couldn't handle the corporate culture.'

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

Men Not Working.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

'My life is a joke.'

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'