Sarcastic Wit Admirer Gifts

"What gives a miserable piece of lowlife trash the idea that no one likes him?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Women's Idea of Sharing/Men's Idea of Sharing.

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

'Alas, poor Yorick. He couldn't handle the corporate culture.'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'My life is a joke.'

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

Men Not Working.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"