Sarcastic Comment Enthusiast Gifts

"Dang, that place smelled like ass."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

Men working (part time).

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'