Sarcastic Remark Enthusiast Gifts

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"You didn't tip the paper boy."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

The Smartass Phone

"He gets his best ideas that way."

I think my work ethic needs some work. Not to mention some ethics.

"Most of us get around the company motto by saying 'No can do' instead!"

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

"Next time I tell you to take a left, just don’t listen to me."

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"But without doubt, my biggest asset is my modesty".

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"We should never take walks like this more often."