Sarcastic Banter Enthusiast Gifts

As you know, I dislike you immensely. Right back at you. However

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Exciting potato bugs.

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Redhead

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

The Smartass Phone

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."