Sarcastic Banter Lovers Gifts

'Of course you always offer 'concrete solutions.' Your head is full of cement.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

An Archeologic Dig

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'Here comes Ted.'

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

"Yes, it was good for me - not as good as it was the last time, but probably better than it's going to be the time after this."

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'

'You can't make a wit out of two half wits.'

"But it wouldn't be premarital sex unless we got married."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."