Ironic Banter Lovers Gifts

'I don't mind having to come outside to smoke...it's a bit of fresh air.'

'A cheeky red?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

An Archeologic Dig

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

Cold caller.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

The Gilmore Girls

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'