Sarcastic Humor Enthusiast Gifts

Customer service at British Telecom

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"I hear the workers hate your guts, Batson. Keep it up."

I'm with stupid.

"Yeah, my grades are pretty bad. But I don't want you to feel responsible because of your lousy parenting.'"

Robo Callers find a way around the do not call list.

'I wish I was disabled.'

'Oh, sure -- now they lower the standards!'

'My son will find this useful at school. It's a list of the rudest insults I've heard from the customers this week.'

'I was recently at a baseball game and they were shooting my people out of a gun. When does the madness stop!? You'd never see that happening to the soup folk.'

"You've forgot your overnight bag!"

For service, ring bell ONCE, then...

'I should have seen it coming - my best man was her lawyer!'

Frankly, I'm surprised your newsagent let you go so far behind.

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

"That's right -- rub it in!"

"...on the plus side, the school can now re-use those leftover 1950s 'Duck and Cover' pamphlets."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"As always. . . make sure to warm up . . . to avoid injury. . ."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"And on a score between 1 and 10 how much would you like me to shove this polling questionnaire up my arse?"

"Your call may be monitored to give us all a laugh . . . please enter your 23 digit telephone banking code followed by your 14 digit account no and your 24 digit security code. . ."

plain talk tech support: what the **#@%&** do you want?

"Thank you for really letting me occasionally text you during my dark time."

Happy Mothers Day!

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I just wanted to be removed from the mailing list."

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"What's the earliest memory you have, Armstrong?" "Well... I was very, very young..." "Everything was dark. I was in some sort of liquid and there was a flexible, hose-like thing connecting my belly button to some sort of sack that was enveloping me. I heard a woman's beautiful muffled voice singing 'Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.' And I decided then and there I would one day corner the boat market." "Very. Bad. Man."

Let me guess

'I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you around!'

'It wasn't plugged in...that'll be £350,0000!'

'The buck doesn't stop here.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Batteries Not Included.