Sarcastic Humor Buff Gifts

"This place was nicer before they put the open cans of dog food on the bar."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"It floated. I want my money back."

"Clark Gable, Gary Cooper, Cary Grant -- they're all gone. But Marcus is still here."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

Gigolo Diary

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."