Sarcastic Humor Buff Pillows

"This place was nicer before they put the open cans of dog food on the bar."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."