Sarcastic Humor Pillows

'I only read it for the articles about naked women.'

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

Food left unattended will be eaten by waiter.

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Men working (part time).

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.