Sarcastic Sense Of Humor Pillows

Duh Magazine

'If we'd been saving for a rainy day, we'd be penniless by now.'

'You received cards from seven auto body shops!'

"The following program is intended for mature viewers. So, Ed, you should leave the room now."

'Why do they call it rush hour when no one goes anywhere?'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'He lost his whistle,'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

Know-it-alls

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."