Sarcastic Humor Seeker Pillows

"A fortnight's holiday in Spain, and you bring a gift of a measly pebble? Well, I suppose it's a change from a flippin' mug!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

German Expressionist Breakfast

'The Burrito King.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

The guy who got in on the ground floor

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'