Sarcastic Humor Seeker Pillows

"A fortnight's holiday in Spain, and you bring a gift of a measly pebble? Well, I suppose it's a change from a flippin' mug!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

German Expressionist Breakfast

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'The Burrito King.'

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."