Sarcastic Sentiment Seeker Pillows

Cards: Get Well Get hit by a Bus

Hang In There, Baby!

German Expressionist Breakfast

'The Burrito King.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

The guy who got in on the ground floor

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

"My New Year's resolution is to acknowledge the dog, but you know how hard resolutions are."

Trump to Build Wall