Sarcastic Sentiment Lover Pillows

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I love these old decorations!"

'You seem rather ungrateful Mr. Jenkins. This new drug means you'll never have hayfever again.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Exit Next Left

"Great coffee, Carole."

Have you got your make up on yet?

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'No way Doug! You can not stick it to the man in new season, smart casual menswear!'

'It's new from British Telecom...a telephone ignoring machine.'

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

'You're reordering your priorities? -- Since when do you have priorities?'