Sarcastic Banter Lover Pillows

"I find doing actual work helps to pass the time."

It's the "Ask Sadie" Advice Hour. "John" in New York, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java Cybercafe. Movers. They charged me $800 extra to pack my stuff for me. But when they got to my new house, they just dumped everything in a chaotic heap and left. Serves you right you lazy pack-slacker!!! I'm shocked you didn't pay them an extra $200 to complain for you about the extra $800 you paid them. They'd do that?

Boss? Did you happen to start a Youtube channel? We have no proof of that, minion. But I came across a Youtube video called "Humiliate Your Employees for Fun and Profit." Sounds interesting. The guy giving advice in that video looks just like you. No he doesn't. He's got a huge mustache and an eye patch. I mean ... he sounds like he probably has a huge mustache and an eye patch. Very bad man.

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

"Of course I listen to you. How else would I be able to mock you?"

Being annoying still isn't a crime.

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

"Agh! I've got a bad back!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

An Archeologic Dig

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

'Here comes Ted.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

Know-it-alls