Sarcastic Banter Lover Pillows

"I find doing actual work helps to pass the time."

"Of course I listen to you. How else would I be able to mock you?"

Being annoying still isn't a crime.

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

"Agh! I've got a bad back!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

An Archeologic Dig

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

How About Serving Us For a Change

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

Know-it-alls

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Here comes Ted.'

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

"Yes, it was good for me - not as good as it was the last time, but probably better than it's going to be the time after this."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

"But it wouldn't be premarital sex unless we got married."

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'