Sarcastic Banter Pillows

#1 Jerk-off

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'He lost his whistle,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

Men Not Working.

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Med school was a blast."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'