Sarcastic Banter Buff Pillows

'I'm a failure as a manager and husband.'

"Yeah, he's cute but don't approach him. He's a service human."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"I have no thumbs."

"And then on ab day they roll on their backs, flail, and mimic us in the throes of death."

Redhead

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC, 'You know what I dread? -- March madness!'

"How do you spell, asteroid?"

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Nice park. . .

'Opponents of democracy, such as Chavez and Putin, want unlimited executive power and limits on the media.'

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

'He lost his whistle,'

"... And who asked for your opinion, I'd like to know?!"

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

"Julie...would you cancel my 4 o'clock please...?"

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"If yer a potato, I'm a potato."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"You always knew where you stood with him."

Mannequin protest

'So, I am all for Juncker!'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Didn't we fire you last week?