Sarcastic Banter Buff Pillows

'I'm a failure as a manager and husband.'

"Yeah, he's cute but don't approach him. He's a service human."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"I have no thumbs."

Exciting potato bugs.

"And then on ab day they roll on their backs, flail, and mimic us in the throes of death."

Redhead

Pope tarts.

Los Angeles' New Smart Meters

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC, 'You know what I dread? -- March madness!'

"How do you spell, asteroid?"

"I guess it must be that new growth hormone the farmer gave me!"

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Nice park. . .

'Opponents of democracy, such as Chavez and Putin, want unlimited executive power and limits on the media.'

"If yer a potato, I'm a potato."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"... And who asked for your opinion, I'd like to know?!"

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

'He lost his whistle,'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"Julie...would you cancel my 4 o'clock please...?"

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"You always knew where you stood with him."

'So, I am all for Juncker!'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Didn't we fire you last week?