Sarcastic Wit Pillows

"Expressions of support for your attempted suicide keep pouring in."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I don't know anything about politics or foreign relations, but I do know that Madelyn Albright's a babe."

'Would a motorist be up for damages? Not unless he had his car with him.'

Men Not Working.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."