Sarcastic Humorists Pillows

Clancy: Advice for an Injury

"Our guest for the ceasefire meeting has arrived!"

'It's lacking something.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Men working (part time).

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'