Sarcastic Humorists Pillows

Clancy: Advice for an Injury

"Our guest for the ceasefire meeting has arrived!"

'It's lacking something.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Men working (part time).

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'He lost his whistle,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'