Sarcastic Quipster Pillows

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Know-it-alls

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."