Sarcastic Jokester Pillows

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"I hope your day is going bad."

Know-it-alls

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."