Sarcastic Joke Collector Pillows

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

The Rooster Comedian.

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

Suffering from Cooties?

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'

Useless add-ons.

'Amscray,fuzzbrain - no carnivores allowed

Irritable trowel syndrome.

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Looks like somebody needs to lay off of the authentic angel food cake!'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Shark infested custard!

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

Redhead

Mexican Jumping Balls.

'Finish your homework first, Og... then you can watch the wall.'

'Alphabet soup? What's alphabet?'

Cheating Death.

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

My daddy ate my homework

"Turn your head and cough."

'What does coincide mean?' 'It's what you do when it starts to rain.'