Sarcasm Collector Pillows

"I wouldn't say your son is a bad child. He's gifted at disruptive behavior."

"Your call is important to us, just not as important as whatever else we're doing."

Sign says 'If you can still read this you ordered too many beverages.'

BANK CLIENT CARE 'It works for me'.

Shaun had a potato on his shoulder, a chip wasn't enough.

"PPI? Never heard of it."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

(No caption. Sign on the back of a car reads, "Honk if you do everything people tell you you do.")

Do you believe in free love?

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

German Expressionist Breakfast

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"