Sarcastic Comment Collector Pillows

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"Thank you. His passing was quite sudden."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

The transparent safe box of Panama

Redhead

"White Collar Prison"

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

Honest Voting Stickers

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I never question your ability. I never even mention it.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"