Sarcastic Comment Collectors Pillows

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'I never question your ability. I never even mention it.'

'He lost his whistle,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

Men Not Working.

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'