Sarcastic Comment Collectors Pillows

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Redhead

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'I never question your ability. I never even mention it.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

Men Not Working.

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Med school was a blast."