Sarcastic Comment Enthusiast Pillows

"Dang, that place smelled like ass."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"Do you want me to empty the ashtray over your head now?"