Sarcastic Remarks Enthusiast Pillows

Thanks for giving me your '2

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

I'm with stupid.

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

Big Brother.

"Med school was a blast."

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'

"My boss combines the impulsive joie de vivre of Ebenezer Scrooge with the empathy and comradeship of a tarantula. Less hair, though."