Sarcastic Remarks Enthusiast Pillows

Thanks for giving me your '2

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

I'm with stupid.

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"

Big Brother.

"Med school was a blast."

'The boss finally noticed me today. He said I should wear deodrant.'