Sarcastic Comment Maker Pillows

'Oh yeah, focus on the negative, why don't you?'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

Men Not Working.

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

Big Brother.

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.