Sarcastic Social Commentator Pillows

'There's a fifteen minute wait for people we like, and a forty five minute wait for people like you.'

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

'So that's all there is to it! Just remember to always look busy, the boss likes to drop in unexpectedly sometimes!'

Cellphone Mania.

The transparent safe box of Panama

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

Redhead

"White Collar Prison"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

Men Not Working.

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

Big Brother.