Sarcasm Appreciator Pillows

"You keep him busy while I go for help."

"But I hate su casa."

"Oh yeah? Well my dad's child support payments are bigger than your dad's."

'Well done son. You've put on another inch since last week.'

'I'm concerned about the high levels of blood we found in your blood test.'

My decision is final. No ifs, ands or butts. / Plans for Casual Day suffer a setback.

"Would the gentleman prefer an antidepressant?"

'Come on in.. We'll treat you just like family!'

Suppliers Accounts - "You'll have to be more careful, that's the second time this month you've paid an invoice on time."

Man wearing t-shirt - 'Apathetic but don't care'.

"Spelling and punctuation is not a fad!"

'Sorry, we don't take credit cards. Hey, look at me - I'm stopping a charging Grizzly! Ha ha ha ha!'

GPS: 'Sorry return to the main road.'

'Keep calm and wait for this irritating fad to pass.'

Google Translate for Marriagese

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

"In twenty-five expletives or less, what sort of day did you have?"

This Sand Is sooo...Scrumptious.

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."

'That book is the real hazard!'

"That's a wrap..!"

"Well, it's a good thing you changed cigarettes, Frank. You only have cancer light."

"I relapsed."

And remember if you ever get the urge to drop in to see us - stifle it.

'It's a soothing sounds machine. Spring Rain, Summer Breeze, and Fall School Bus.'

'How old is this vase?'

'But I took the day off because you said you were delivering today.'

Pharaoh Cocoon

'As a hypothetical question, Ferguson, if you were being replaced, which one of these people should we hire?'

30 min. time limit while others are waiting.

'So there's a fly in your soup - You got something against diversity?'

A recent study found that scarecrows now actually attract birds. Experts blame it on millions of littering slobs.

Sign on desk reads: Danger - Thin Skin.

'He's the sort of person who asks, 'How are you?' and then looks bored when you tell him.'

If that slips off and I break a leg, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.