Sarcasm Enthusiast Pillows

'He's done well considering he was just a part-time summer intern.'

'If you're happy and you know it clap your hands?'

"Oh, I'm really sorry. I just placed three million with some broker who called five minutes ago."

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

"You're lucky, Dave. You have talent."

"Should we pick up something for the folks who don't eat red meat?"

"And to help you spearhead the new office efficiency drive I'm giving you this atlatl."

"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you."

"If I could do only one thing before I died, it would be to swim with a middle-aged couple from Connecticut."

'When I ask what our inventory is 'What ever' is not an acceptable answer.'

Sarcasm support group.

No Soliciting. Especially if it's for a good cause.

'As team-building exercises go I've seen worse.'

"When you said we needed to talk, you didn't say I needed to listen."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'We could both avoid this daily annoyance, sir, if you'd buy me an annuity!'

'Thank you for taking part in this poll, sir. Here's the first question: What the heck makes you so arrogant to think your opinion could have any kind of importance, sir?'

Portuguese Mom of War

'Slap me when he's done. I'm putting myself into a self-induced coma.'

"Do I know how fast I was going? Isn't that your job?"

"I wish I had spent more time responding to emails."

'And this nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

Honk if you've committed a crime.

'I need a Empathy/Apathy card - one that says I understand but I don't care.'

"I'll be in touch if we need somebody with integrity"

"Sorry – there's a shortage of beds. On the bright side, you're way more infectious than the guy next to you."

'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'

Insensitive driving school - 'That was crap.'

"Just relax completely..don't worry if you don't understand everything, that will just be because you're stupid."

'I don't care if you are the CEO of a large oil company, you can't claim your soul as a business loss.'

'It's a telemarketer...he says if you're not busy he can call you back when you are.'

'I've raised millions for charity. I've just never given them any of it.'

'If I had a few minutes, Caldwell, do you think I'd give them to you?'

"An anniversary present? For me? I remembered? Well, thank me very much!"

"Don't you think you should try to find the Self-Help section on your own?"