Sarcasm Lovers Pillows

"Anything to declare, aside from personal bankruptcy?"

Thank you for suffering in silence.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

Lunch at P.J. Puberty's

'We demand shorter hours.' - 'Right, your lunch hour comes down to forty minutes.'

"You people make me sick. Nonetheless, here's a little toe-tapper."

'There you go again, jumping to the wrong conclusions'

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

Naughty Or Nice? Didn't You Read My Blog, 'Playing By The Rules Is For Dummies?'

'You know, I'll be honest...I don't think you two mix very well with one another.'

TSA Lines

"Paid leave? You're doing well to get paid for when you're here."

'Your request for a company vehicle has been approved, however, it's not the Cadillac you wanted. Since you need the exercise, you're getting a skateboard.'

Conversational Drift

'This letter is very confidential.' - 'Right, I'll type it with my eyes shut.'

"I always wait till Labor Day to check if he's still alive."

Captain Obvious early in his career.

"Armageddon-hotline, please select your current fer from our menu. . ."

The Great Sarcasmo

'Have you tried walking with a limp?'

"We don't do 'returns'!"

Noisy Neighbours

"My grandfather dies from asbestos poisoning - it took 'em 3 weeks to cremate him...."

"Our armies were vanquished and the King was killed but the important thing is we had fun."

'I guess your mom thought it was better to give it away than to be sued by the garbage collectors for environmental pollution!'

'Wow, what a photobomb!'

"Three kings and we still can't get a room upgrade?"

'They DID turn the economy around.. this is its ASS END!'

Divorce as a cure for earache

'Man, they sure know how to rub it in.'

'The check is in the mail...'

'First they shoot at us, then they try to fly like us, now they want to steal our lunch.'

'Nice to meet you. I brought that same dress, Carol, but don't wear it anymore cause it makes me look fat.'

"Ugh, I'm too hungover for salvation-come back later."

"Your father won't get it. He's been self isolating for the last twenty-seven years."