Sarcasm Lovers Pillows

"Anything to declare, aside from personal bankruptcy?"

Thank you for suffering in silence.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

Lunch at P.J. Puberty's

"You people make me sick. Nonetheless, here's a little toe-tapper."

'We demand shorter hours.' - 'Right, your lunch hour comes down to forty minutes.'

'There you go again, jumping to the wrong conclusions'

Naughty Or Nice? Didn't You Read My Blog, 'Playing By The Rules Is For Dummies?'

'You know, I'll be honest...I don't think you two mix very well with one another.'

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

TSA Lines

The Great Sarcasmo

"I always wait till Labor Day to check if he's still alive."

'This letter is very confidential.' - 'Right, I'll type it with my eyes shut.'

'Your request for a company vehicle has been approved, however, it's not the Cadillac you wanted. Since you need the exercise, you're getting a skateboard.'

Conversational Drift

Captain Obvious early in his career.

"Paid leave? You're doing well to get paid for when you're here."

"Armageddon-hotline, please select your current fer from our menu. . ."

"The baby's nice, but it's not the narcissistic rush I thought it would be."

"Ugh, I'm too hungover for salvation-come back later."

"Our armies were vanquished and the King was killed but the important thing is we had fun."

'Have you tried walking with a limp?'

"We don't do 'returns'!"

'They DID turn the economy around.. this is its ASS END!'

'The check is in the mail...'

'Nice to meet you. I brought that same dress, Carol, but don't wear it anymore cause it makes me look fat.'

Divorce as a cure for earache

'Husband home more - please help.'

'I guess your mom thought it was better to give it away than to be sued by the garbage collectors for environmental pollution!'

'First they shoot at us, then they try to fly like us, now they want to steal our lunch.'

'Wow, what a photobomb!'

"Three kings and we still can't get a room upgrade?"

Noisy Neighbours

"My grandfather dies from asbestos poisoning - it took 'em 3 weeks to cremate him...."