Sarcasm Enthusiasts Pillows

"How's the burger?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'I'm still evaluating the new truth serum, you micro-managing, pig-eyed, snot-nosed, burnt-out, impatient, obnoxious, penny-pinching, glory-hogging tyrant.'

"...that isn't your Porsche ignition key. You got that off a tin of corned beef."

'Congratulations, you won $34. Let me call you a limo.'

"We could agree to disagree but then I'd just be preoccupied with you being wrong."

'Hello, you're through to customer irritation ... how may I help you?'

"I'm thinking your email must have gotten directed into my 'Oh no, that guy again' folder."

"If I knew where I'd lost the sponge, it wouldn't be lost, now, would it?"

The last family vacation

'I'd have done better on the intelligence test, but it was biased toward intelligent people.'

Cut down your own tree.

"There's a $2.00 service fee for that friendly greeting."

'Isn't it ironic that the first three letters in funeral spell fun?'

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

We're looking for someone who thinks big on a small salary.

"Oh, don't worry about me, I'm fine!"

I'll start believing in phantom withdrawals, when I get one case of a phantom deposit.

'I don't like you, Hargrove. On the other hand, I expect you to like me very much.'

"You have the right to die with dignity, but, until then, anything goes."

'Don't even think of having the buck stop here!"

"Any chance of some credit?"

Common excuses of large people: 'Inside me is a beautiful person trying to get out.' ('Yeh, he ate me too!')

Lazy weather report ('...look out your window...').

If I have to eat another mouthful of that sludge I'm gonna puke...

"This is your captain speaking. It's such a nice day that we won't be taking off. We're driving there."

"Of course we'll still be friends...."

'It looks like a Homeland Security sting operation.'

"Would Sir like that with salad, bread or bad humour"

'Hey, lady...this application wants me to PRINT my name but OBVIOUSLY I don't carry my PRINTER with me!'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

'It used to be a nightmare getting him to sleep and then we discovered chloroform.'

"Do you have to keep looking down your nose at everyone?"

'I'm looking for someone to give me fifty dollars...' 'Well, you've got a nice day for it!'

"We were all given motivational videos at work today. All it shows is our boss shouting and sacking people."