Sarcasm Lover Pillows

"I had my own blog for a while, but I decided to go back to just pointless, incessant barking."

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

'In the interest of full disclosure, I should inform you that I define an hour as 40 minutes.'

"Do you have room in your bag for this?"

'I've cut down to one a day.'

'National Bring Your Brother-In-Law to Work Day'

"Ever had a paper cut? It's hell."

'You do as you're told, we pay as we please...That, in a nutshell, is our corporate culture.'

'At the risk of sounding judgemental, I don't think they really mean it.'

"Dislocating your jaw yawning during my lecture on work related injuries is NOT a work related injury!"

'So, you've no experience, no skills and a poor grasp of reality... Have you considered consulting?'

"I call it The Blame Game."

'Sorry, I'm a doctor. If you want that looked at, you'll have to make an appointment like everyone else.'

'Your body language would suggest you're not having the best time on our first date.'

'Bring in the Conflict Resolution Team.'

'What's the minimal level of competence around here?'

Mind reader: "You're thinking, 'This is really stupid...people can't read minds'." "How'd she know that?"

'Just as I thought. You have bones.'

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

'My door is always open. . . Just don't come in.'

"The dip in sales seems to coincide with the decision to eliminate sales staff."

'Apparently summer's going to start next month...'

'Watch out for the... Ah, never mind.'

'You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?'

Dear Sir, We have misused all of the money that you sent us and we need you to send us more. Thank you, Internal Revenue

'We don't use herbs, just drugs with proven side effects.'

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

Fred Perkins: Still waiting for Apologies from the following people...

'Yes, I do want insurance. Can I take out a policy against you ringing me up at work.'

'I text message so I don't have to listen.'

"Dial 911. And change that to a table for three."

'Major breakthrough! We've all agreed on Pizza for lunch.'

Leaving cards.

Men Contemplating Work (construction workers).

The Oxymoron Club - Oxymoron of the day - Deficit Spending.