Sarcastic Humor Appreciator Pillows

Virtual Exercise

"A vegetarian option...? Certainly Madam, through the door on your left."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Nice haircut."

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'I'm taking vacation next week. And wouldn't you know it, the wife wants to go on a cruise.'

A recent study found that scarecrows now actually attract birds. Experts blame it on millions of littering slobs.

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

"Since I've gone over to roll-ups I find I can get by on just one cigarette a day!"

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'It's a soothing sounds machine. Spring Rain, Summer Breeze, and Fall School Bus.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."