Quirky Joke Collector Pillows

"I've decided to give up drinking, so I'll need a pint of ethanol and an intravenous syringe please barman"

'Don't be alarmed - I'm a proctologist.'

"I don't care what the pet store salesman claimed. I don't think there's a 'well-camouflaged' chameleon on that leash."

I hear this place has a large and interesting menu. Full Moon Nudist Colony.

Uniporn

County Morgue, free samples.

'I'm Dr. Pooches and I'll be your den...Oh, boy.'

Golly, only about ten bucks in charge...less than I thought.

I'm the taxman. Let me guess - your company hasn't made appreciable turnovers in recent times, right?

"It's okay, I've got diarrhea."

'I'd say your vision is being affected by an arrow through your head, but perhaps you'd like to get a second opinion from an eye specialist.'

'It's got really bad breath.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

The Rooster Comedian.

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'

Suffering from Cooties?

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

'Amscray,fuzzbrain - no carnivores allowed

Useless add-ons.

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

Irritable trowel syndrome.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"They're not Levi Strauss - they're not Levi Tate."

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Looks like somebody needs to lay off of the authentic angel food cake!'

Shark infested custard!

My daddy ate my homework