Sarcastic Jokester Gifts

'Why would I want a useless little man hanging around the garden when I've already married one!'

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

Exciting potato bugs.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

I clawed my way to the top and all they gave me at the end was a manicure.

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"I hope your day is going bad."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."