Sarcastic Comedian Gifts

"The beatings will continue until morale improves."

"Somehow, I can't consider taking home all the hospital food I want as a perk for working here."

Times Rich List - 'I see all the banks have fallen off the list.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"It floated. I want my money back."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'