Sarcastic Comedians Gifts

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"It floated. I want my money back."

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.