Sarcastic Humorist Gifts

"Take care..."

'Try recording it again but this time, don't laugh when you say, 'Your call is important to us'.'

"I've found the lawnmower."

Cold Judgmental Stares $1

The first projected loser... the griping non-voter.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

This TV season has hit new highs in lows.

''If you were a horse we'd have shot you and sold you to a dog food factory, then at least we'd have made some money from you.' Hm, is that a good or a bad employers' reference?'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Redhead

'Oh, sure, he's all 'ho, ho, ho' with the kids...they don't have to work for the guy!'

Exciting potato bugs.

'My Child Cheats Off Your Honor Student.'

"You wouldn't have anything to do with me, if I was the last man on earth?"

Then: 'And mind your Ps and Qs' Now: 'And mind your Fs and Cs'

THE ULTIMATE EGOTISTS.

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

I don't brake for lawyers

"I'm gonna smoke 20 years worth of cigarettes in one go to save time..."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

'He lost his whistle,'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"Terrible plating."

"Of course I don't need a Doctor, I'm saving this parking space"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

'I don't know about you but I've always hated fancy dress parties.'

"I'm legally obliged to point out that we track what you eat by placing cookies in your food."

Cynical married man speaking to his newly engaged friend

"I can't believe it. My band's new album sold a million copies on iTunes. I'm rich!" "First thing I'm going to do is buy a mansion, with twelve rooms, each with its own Playstation and X-Box that my butler will play for me." "You might not want to spend any of that money just yet, little buddy. You might need it for the settlement." "What settlement?" "I'm not sure it was entirely legal to name your album 'Beyonce's New Album'." "I added 'sarcastic quote' around it, so it'll be fine."

First, the minutes from our last relationship meeting. At that time, Mort Park expressed an interest in having more public shows of affection. According to the minutes, Sadie Cohen responded … I can't read this. Lemme see. Go @#$% and #$%^ and feel free to snuggle yourself in public you @#$%@#$%. So we tabled the issue. Until spring of 2055.

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.

"Wow, chocolates. How original..."

So Long, Farewell, Thank God, Good Riddance.

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."