Sarcastic Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'Now for a test of the viewer's intelligence. . . Seeing if he's bright enough to turn it off .'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Exciting potato bugs.

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Redhead

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

The Smartass Phone

"He gets his best ideas that way."

"Most of us get around the company motto by saying 'No can do' instead!"