Sarcastic Humor Fan Gifts

"I find the yoga helps me to be more irritating."

"We stand behind all our vehicles. Sometimes we even help push."

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

'Good news!...I've set up a generous profit sharing plan for all of you.'

With local elections in full swing, campaign workers were becoming more and more brazen about placing signs.

"Wanna play chess, Baldo?"

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'I just assumed you'd have a non-smoking section.'

Whine Country Tours.

'Science proves that some people are in fact a complete waste of time and space.'

Men working (part time).

"The insurance company raised our deductible. They figured you'd have already killed me by now."

"I knew it was a mistake to order our wedding cake from your ex-husband's bakery!"

"What a nice old tree! Let’s carve a heart with our initials in it." "Oh, yes, how romantic! Wound an innocent life-form you know nothing about. God, I hate people."

"It floated. I want my money back."

'I think I'll just leave a hate tip,'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Not Christian

"Hey. Shouldn't you be lying at the FOOT of the bed?"

"Are you relaxing before a meal, or having a nap after lunch?"

'On the plus side we are creating new markets because of the side effects!'

'Look on the bright side — if anything else ever happens, we've got a terrific alibi!'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

What's going on? Rolling blackouts, air conditioning taxing the grid. Oh, give me the usual. Um, okay. Who is this? Latte you, dorky loser. I much prefer not being able to see you. G'morning, Sadie.

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Once again, as he had each autumn for the past seventeen years, Lionel secures his title as the world's wimpiest man.

Go ahead. Make my day.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"Oh yeah? Well, I'll prove that my dad can beat up your dad. Just as soon as he gets out of prison."

The woman Frank's dating said he's like a computer. That's nice. Maybe she said that because of his logical mind. Or that he can handle multiple tasks at one time. Or because he can provide lots of information about any topic. No, she said none of those things are true about Frank. She thinks he's like a computer because when she stops paying attention to him, he goes right to sleep.

This place is crawling with backstabbers, but they don't worry me.

Dear Sadie, Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bob? Thx., J. Felton. Actual reader question. Who cares?! Who put your brain outside your @#$% head?! Actually

'No! I've learned my lesson. No more blind dates for me.' 'But Jenny's different. She doesn't even have a nice personality.'