Sarcastic Quipper Pillows

You have a £750 overdraft! Last month when I was £50 in credit, did I phone you up?

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'He lost his whistle,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

Know-it-alls

Death Watch

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.