Sarcastic Quipper Pillows

You have a £750 overdraft! Last month when I was £50 in credit, did I phone you up?

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

Death Watch

Know-it-alls

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.