Sarcastic Sipper Pillows

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"How's the divorce going?"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

Envy, gluttony, green and lust.

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

"I know, same here. Angsting about the Zeitgeist like there is no tomorrow."

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

Woman on Subway's Thoughts

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

"It's all there. And because of the pressure to conform to social norms I've included a 20% tip."

"If I step back a little, that should fix it."

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

"All lies,dear boy. This is lemonade."

You have a £750 overdraft! Last month when I was £50 in credit, did I phone you up?

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

'He says does anyone know how to fit a skimming device?'

'I tried everything to get my class to pay attention. I tried bribes,sarcasm,guilt,shame and threats. nothing works! Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?'

'I appreciate all of your opinions... I just don't want to hear them.'