Sarcastic Sipper Pillows

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"How's the divorce going?"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my soup. Try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

Envy, gluttony, green and lust.

"I know, same here. Angsting about the Zeitgeist like there is no tomorrow."

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

'This wine is so good it makes even you interesting.'

"More wine?"

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

Woman on Subway's Thoughts

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

"It's all there. And because of the pressure to conform to social norms I've included a 20% tip."

Such a Coincidence

"If I step back a little, that should fix it."

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

"All lies,dear boy. This is lemonade."

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

You seem to make a new enemy with every cross-examination, Mr. Fusco. I don

You have a £750 overdraft! Last month when I was £50 in credit, did I phone you up?