Sardonic Sipper Pillows

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"He's So Your Type."

'You're a nihilist, eh? — well, at least you have something to believe in.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Take some identification with you in case you die."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

Hearse on an emergency

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Hey, Robinson Crusoe! Taking the laundry to mommy? Wow, you sure know how to 'rough it'! Haha!!" "Just ignore them." "Can you bring us back some of her blueberry pie? Ha!"

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"How's the divorce going?"

'Humans are strange: they call us dirty, disgusting rats, but regard mouldy cheeses as delicacies...'

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

Time: 5:45pm Temp: 72' Life: Sucks

'Apologies for the delay to the trains...we are busy counting our money.'

"Two things, Debbie - I don't like your choice of dinner guests and my fish tasted funny."

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

"Do you want to watch someone cook or someone decorate?"

'I hope you realise that's cooking sherry.'