Sardonic Socializer Pillows

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"Everybody out of the water! Lawyer!"

Man falls off perch

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

Special Place in Hell...

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

Good news - we've found your car.

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."